Five Sexy Things aka Wet Witch Watcher
by skateboard c
Summary: A play off Bendleshnitz's Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About. PlayWizard's senior columnist Justin Bengough wants to know what really gets the witches off! Rated M for content and language.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **_J K Rowling, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, and Warner Bros reserve all rights to the Harry Potter Franchise. I do not profit from the following work of fanfiction. _

**Note: **_This piece was inspired by Bendleshnitz's _Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About. _An adult periodical geared towards randy young witches (PlayWitch) that dishes out the dirty secrets of the most desired wizards this side of the pond-absolutely brilliant concept! I thought I might contribute with a counterpart. I give you the PlayWizard's __**Wet Witch Watcher**__. This is my first official fanfiction, I hope you enjoy. I welcome constructive criticism, but mostly ask for kind words of encouragement (Be nice, I am a FF virgin!) _

**July **

'Ello Boys! Your favorite columnist Justin Bengough, here. July is finally upon us. That's right gentlemen, time for yet another installment of _Wet Witch Watcher_. You know the drill: three witches, five dirty secrets, and countless wanton wizards yearning to have a go! I did you all a favor this month, I did—the nasty goods I got will get your wand stiffer than a tall glass of firewhiskey and petrificus totalus charm! First up, Ms. Katie Bell. You thought it was hot outside, but once you read this, a fiendfyre will seem like a nice dip in the artic!

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About **Katie Bell

This former Gryffindor chaser is a lioness through and through, with a mane of wavy strawberry blonde hair and a loud mouth to boot. Word is these days she works under—in every sense of the phrase—Ludo Bagman as the Assistant Head of the Department of Magical Games and Sport for the Ministry of Magic. When asked if she's juggling the git's quaffles, she denied all (right!). But she was happy to spill all the kinks she's got stored under her robes! Here's what she said:

1—She's a size queen. Sorry boys, only wands 9" and over are allowed to perform magic on her rabbit.

2—Says she's got ridiculous oral skills, and can tie a cherry stem with only her tongue. As a skeptic, I called her bullshit. She conjures the berry, and…Long story short, girl has the suction of a niffler!

3— First sexual experience was sixth year, giving a bloke's one eyed monster a tug behind the one eyed witch statue back at ole Hoggywarts. How ironic?

4—Dream wizard: "Viktor Krum." Why: "He can really ride a broom."

5—At the end of the day, Bell is a romantic. Her greatest fantasy is to make love on a bed of roses, in a sea of candlelight, after a home cooked dinner. Who's up to the task men? Ludo?

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About **Narcissa Malfoy

Draco's mom has got it going on. She's all we want, and we've certainly waited for so long. Since the humble beginnings of _Wet Witch Watcher_, we've tried to get Mrs. Malfoy to talk. Alas, mum's the word. But why now? She and the Mister are spicing things up. Hey, if this helps their sex life along, I'll play.

1—She loves long hair on a wizard. The feel of silken strands between her fingers during sex drives her wild. No wonder Lucius takes better care of his platinum locks than most Veela women!

2— Regarding that infamous orgy reported in _PlayWitch_ (_wink at Bendleshnitz)_, the pair still won't budge on the guest star. But she did confirm it was a devil's three-way. I wonder who was sticking it to whom?

3—Her patronus: a cougar! Cissy loves the young lads. "It's an amazing feeling helping a wizard during his time of sexual awakening!"

4—Almost lost her life to a pubic hair while giving oral. Since, she's maintained a strict policy on manscaping.

5—Loves to watch a man wank. "You learn a lot."

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know about **Verity Whocareswhatherlastnameis

George and Fred Weasley are two rich sons-of-wizards. But I don't think they make all their galleons selling novelty items. Swear to Merlin, a good portion of the profit is thanks to the super hot blonde they got working the till! Every time I visit WWW, I ask for whatever's on the highest shelf, just to get a peak of her fit body. This month, she sat down with yours truly to tell all what gets her cauldron stirring.

1—Have camera? Will perform. Verity likes to be photographed and filmed. Says she gets off knowing her wizard has evidence of their sexcapades. Please let there be footage circulating!

2—Most embarrassing sex story: Tooted in her ex-boyfriend's bed on Valentine's Day after too much of Madame Puddifoot's chocolate mocha latte.

3—Verity loves to dirty dance at Muggle clubs. Something about all the heavy bass, flashing lights, sweating, grinding, and grabbing…You know, it does make perfect sense.

4—Has an insane knicker collection. Thongs, shorts, frilly, lacey, colorful—you name it, she has it. "Every time I go shopping, I have to buy a pair or two!" Can we see?

5—Says she likes a bloke with a little extra meat. They tend to be better lovers and more appreciative of the sex. I think I love this witch!

_**End Note:**__ Whew! That was harder than I imagined. Thoughts (turn it up/down)? Suggestions? I appreciate all your input. Thanks for indulging me! Cheers! _

_PS: Many thanks to Bendleshnitz for green-lighting this piece. Please check out her story _**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About**. She's a really talented writer!


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: **_J K Rowling, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, and Warner Bros reserve all rights to the Harry Potter Franchise. I do not profit from the following work of fanfiction. _

**Note: **_Thank you to Bendleshnitz and Wickedlovely731 for the kind words of encouragement, and to all of you out there in cyberspace who read the first installment. Feedback is much appreciated, as it is the only form of payment I receive. Without further delay, I present the next installment of PlayWizard's __**Wet Witch Watcher!**_

**August **

Oi mates!The ever so handsome and incredibly witty Justin Bengough here, reporting for duty. And boy is it hot. I mean it's hotter than a Hungarian Horntail's balls outside! But come soaked shirts and lack of deodorant, the show must go on. That's right, time for another installment of _Wet Witch Watcher._ The rules: three witches, five nasty secrets, and tens of thousands of randy wizards with sticky copies of PlayWizard! This month's a real treat. First up, Ms. Fleur Delacour. Excuse me, Mrs. Bill Weasley. Let's see what this uber blonde hottie has to say when the hubby is away!

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About **Fleur Delacour

Hailing from France, this Beauxbatons graduate and former Triwizard Champion now resides in Mother England. She's married to super cool but sort of scary looking Bill Weasley (hey brother, no offense. You're a real hero and birds dig scars). When approached by PlayWizard, the part Veela cutie was eager to tell all what gets her potion bubbling. I could barely understand a word she said, but with her rockin' tits, do I give's a hippogriff's ass?

1—Brush up on your hand and finger exercises gentlemen. Fleur most enjoys a good pussy petting as foreplay. (She gestures her fore and middle fingers in a circular, then flicking motion)"Oui. Like zat."

2—Favorite position: " 'Ow do you say it? Ze reverse cowgirl" Why: "Zat way he can penetrate me very deep. Tre fantastique!"

3—According to the misses, Bill's a _real animal_ in the sack! "My 'usband iz going to kill me! But when he bites me during ze lovemaking, J'adore!"

4—Contends that Veela women make the best lovers. "C'est fact! Once you 'ad a Veela lover, you will never be satisfied by anuzzer woman!"

5—Wouldn't mind inviting a guest star into her and Bill's bedroom. "Eet sounds like fun!" So will you expect me at 8 or 9pm? I can bring bubbly.

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About **Moaning Myrtle

Resident ghost of Hogwarts' second floor girl's lavatory, Moaning Myrtle is one irritating witch! I literally could not stand the sound of her voice, which made this interview rather hard. But underneath those phial-bottom glasses and pigtails, lies a pretty good looking chick. Funny, the nerdy school girl getup combined with oh so steamy answers made something else a little…eh, hard. Here's what she said:

1—They don't call her Moaning Myrtle for nothing! She's a total screamer in bed. A gag is a must-have item if you plan on surfing the drains with this translucent tart.

2—"Voyeurism is participation!" MM loves to stalk the prefect's bathroom at school. Nothing turns her on more than watching strapping young do-gooders lather up in the tub!

3—Currently has the hots for the Bloody Baron of Slytherin house. But honestly, how exactly do ghosts get it on? "WHY HOW DARE YOU!"

4—Yet another size queen. Her ideal wizard is packing a basilisk in his trousers. Really? What about us…I mean those modestly endowed wizards out there?

5—Likes to play a special game with her male callers. 100 points if you can shoot a load straight through her head. Ready, aim, fire!

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know about** Hannah Abbott

This former Hufflepuff and current landlady of the Leaky Cauldron is definitely not what she seems. From her wispy blond locks, bare face, and modest attire, I had Mrs. Neville Longbottom pegged for a total vegetable in the sack. Surprisingly, I was more wrong than a Celestina Warbeck album. She is a man-eater! I don't even think PlayWizard _can_ print all her responses. (Ps: Hannah got so worked up during her interview, she offered to give me a proper "turn-down service" back at my suite—with Neville's permission, of course!)

1—Best feature on a wizard: "His wand. His _actual _wand. I am most attracted to powerful wizards."

2—Belongs to a rare breed of witches who enjoy anal play. "I quite like it actually." Rim job anyone?

3—Speak up lads! Hannah only responds to men who are upfront about their desires. "I am ready and willing to do anything my wizard asks, so long as he commands it with authority!"

4—Is an avid movie-goer. "Muggle porn films are completely unrealistic, but very entertaining!" Any favorites: "Ha! Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Ass-kaban!"

5—Hannah recommends double stuffing with your fellow and a vibrator. "I once used _The Rabbit_ while Neville was pounding me, and it felt bloody amazing! I came so hard I nearly pissed myself! Neville loved it too."

**Note:** _I really do hope you folks are enjoying my work. I would love to hear any constructive criticisms and/or suggestions, but mostly praise! Just kidding (sort of). Next chapter to be posted very soon, look for me! Cheers! _


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **_J K Rowling, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, and Warner Bros reserve all rights to the Harry Potter Franchise. I do not profit from the following work of fanfiction. _

**Note: **_Thanks to Bendleshnitz, Wickedlovely 731, Lovethenlost, Spicysweetchica101, and Tonksremus2332. I don't mean to be a review-monger, but I would love to hear from you out there in FF land! I'm grateful for high story traffic, but could do with some feedback. Remember __reviews are the only form of payment I receive! With that said, I give you the next installment of PlayWizard's __**Wet Witch Watcher!**_

**September**

Eh there Boys! Merlin's gift to all witch-kind, Justin Bengough reporting. Fall is here, and I couldn't be happier. I was dying a slow and painful death this past summer. That heat wave was like a fucking Dementor's kiss, it was! Well anyway, time for yet another installment of _Wet Witch Watcher_. Here's the name of the game: three witches, five naughty secrets, and legions of wizards spending more and more quality time in the loo. This month's interviews are bang on. No doubt you'll be needing to accio some rubbing ointment and a few hankies! First up, Ms. Cho Chang. Let's find out what this raven haired babe had to say!

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About **Cho Chang

Tits beyond measure, is this former Ravenclaw's greatest treasure, I say! Cho Chang, seeker for the Wigtown Wanderers and current European record holder for fastest capture of the snitch, is truly one smoking hot piece of ass. And she knows it! The minute she walks into the Three Broomsticks for our interview, she's switching her hips and tossing her long, bone-straight, jet black hair about. Best of all, she was more than happy to _show_ me her dirtiest kinks, let alone _tell _me. Here's what I jotted down before we headed upstairs for a "nightcap".

1—Listen up BDSM fanatics, Cho likes it rough! "I love to be tied up, blind-folded, and spanked. I need a wizard who is able to dominate me!"

2—Favorite position: "The Tight Squeeze." The wha-wha?: "Okay, so the woman lies with her legs clenched together and her ankles crossed, and the man is on top. It's the best! You can really grip his member and feel it's entire length with every stroke." Duly noted.

3—Likes to go commando for dates. "Saves me the hassle of taking my gear off, and finding it the morning after!"

4—Is taking up water sports. "I once had a bloke ask me to pee in front of him. It was weird at first, but then sort of turned me on." Up for a golden shower: "No, that's pushing it."

5—Is catching snitches for both teams, if you get my drift. "There's nothing better than a clean, shaven, and juicy cunt pulsating on my tongue, while she moans and quivers." BEST. ANSWER. EVER.

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About **Rita Skeeter

Tabloid queen Rita Skeeter is no stranger to me. I often see, excuse me, _hear_ the platinum curly blonde and spectacle-wearing lass about the _PlayWizard _office. If she's not trying to butter up staff to find out next month's cover model, she's propositioning to be next month's cover model. Ha! Someone should pass her along the memo: she's a lot hotter if she shuts the fuck up! Laughs like a banshee, she does! Anyway, since she's now at my desk and talking 500km/hr, I mind as well get a few secrets out of her. Here's what she said:

1— Why pose for PlayWizard: "Why not? I mean what witch wouldn't want tons of men drooling over photos of her naked body? Besides, I want a momento 'fore my tits hit my knees!"

2— Loves to talk dirty to her wizard. "It's fun to get him out of his shell. Other times, it's the only way to get him to do exactly what I want!"

3— Best sexual experience: "A friend of a friend introduced me to the vampire Sanguini. Between us, everything you heard about sex with the undead—True!" Did you let him bite you: "Well sugar, when you're all glamoured up, you say yes to just about everything!"

4—MEOW! Those brightly colored 4 centimeter talons aren't just for show, she's a scratcher! "Oh baby, when he gets to working that cock just so, I dig right in!"

5—Likes to spend slow nights as her animagus, a beetle, on the wall of seedy inn suites. "It's such a turn on, watching random, unsuspecting couples have at it!" Anyone of import: "Now Justin, you know I don't kiss and tell! But let's just say that Mr. Bagman gives Ms. Bell private broom riding lessons every Wednesday at the Hog's Head. If she tells you different, its total codswallop!" Nice.

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know about **Minerva McGonagall

Nothing says "loads of fun" like finding out what gets your former Transfiguration professor all hot and bothered. Now men, I have jumped starkers out of bedroom windows at 4 in the morning, and even spent a week at St. Mungo's for a curious rash on my arse. Needless to mention, _this_ is the most awkward situation _PlayWizard_ has every put me. But at the end of the day, McGonagall is a bird (an old bird) with sexual needs like the rest of us. I sat down with her back at good ole Hogwarts, and got these gems for answers:

1—Of course, she's traditional. "What happened to the days when men courted women properly, swooped them off their feet and ravaged them? Now its 'tea bag this' and 'sixty-nine that'. Rubbish!"

_2—_Favorite position: "Why, I am quite fond of spooning. It's very sensual and it's easy on the joints. I'm no spring chicken!"

3—Hey there overachievers, Minerva loves a teacher's pet! "I sometimes fantasize about taking a promising student into my study chamber and showing him how to really change a woman into a pussycat." Any daydreams about me: "Well, I remember you being about as powerful as a squib high on Doxy dust. But you did seem capable of another kind of magic…"

4—Dream Wizard: "Though he's an absolute fraud and now an obliterated mess, I still hold a flame for Gilderoy Lockhart. Such a handsome man. Took excellent care of his teeth."

5—Last time you got laid: "Why, how dare…Don't you…I am your elder…ehh, too damn long to remember!" Your study chamber is available, yes: (Her right eyebrow rises dangerously high and she gives me a severely appraising look). "Yes. Let's see if your wand ettiquette has improved."


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: **_J K Rowling, Scholastic, Bloomsbury, and Warner Bros reserve all rights to the Harry Potter Franchise. I do not profit from the following work of fanfiction. _

**Note: **_Cheers to Wickedlovely731 (as always!), obscure24, Outlawknight, xrawDINOSAURx, and Yugi the Godfather of Games. I-am-an-Oddity: thanks for the review and look for November! CaptureGod-Otamegame: Ha! Indeed the impropriety of it all serves as excellent fodder. __**Requests? Suggestions? Likes? Send in a review! **__Feedback is the only form of payment I receive. Now on to the next installment of PlayWizard's __**Wet Witch Watcher!**_

**October**

Aho! Justin Bengough, unbelievably dashing columnist and even greater shag, here. Gentlemen, it has not been long enough since my last article. My Quick Quotes Quill is almost at the nub! But I am always happy to dish out the goods on the sexiest magical babes this side of the pond. So get ready for another installment of _Wet Witch Watcher!_If you don't know the rules, then where the hell've you been mate? Three witches, five dirty things you never knew about 'em, and scores of wizards bursting through the crotch seam of their pants. This month is a goodin'! First up, birthday girl Ms. Angelina Johnson aka Mrs. George Weasley (fuck me, these Mrs. Weasleys are hot!).

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About** Angelina Johnson

I was absolutely beside myself when Puddlemere United star chaser and current British Quidditch League MVP Angelina Johnson agreed to interview for Wet Witch Watcher. I am a total fan. Yes, she can throw a mean quaffle, but I'd die for this statuesque milk chocolate hottie to ride my broomstick like a real champion! And after the interview she gave, I offered to have her straight away if things went tits up with Weasley! Of course, she told me to sod off, but here's what she said before that:

1—What's your best feature: "My bum. I'm not much in the cleavage department, but I definitely inherited the island girl booty. And I love it when my man gives it a right good squeeze during sex!"

2— Beaters need not apply for a go with Angelina. "I mean c'mon, these are men trained specially in wielding big sticks!"

3—Angelina needs a wizard whose charms last longer than the incantation! "Quickies just don't do it for me. I want raw, hot, sweaty, passionate, marathon sex. You know, the kind that makes you want to cry a little, it's so fucking amazing!"

4— Weirdest place you've had sex: "Oh, that has to be on the bonnet of [my father-in-law's] old Ford Anglia that he bewitched to fly! As the muggles say, George and I joined the "mile high club!"

5— Angelina has a wicked oral fixation. "I love to give my wizard head. Every chance I get. It's cock worship. And it's where I have total control; any man is putty in my hands with a flick of the tongue! The best is right when he wakes up in the morning." Seriously, call me if you're ever single!

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About**Parvarti Patil

With bestie Lavender Brown, this Indian sexpot co-owns _Lavarti, _the mega successful line of magical beauty potions and tonics. When Patil isn't counting her galleons like a Gringotts goblin, she's bringing businesswizards to their knees with her sultry honey brown eyes, juicy pink lips, fine ass, and take-charge attitude. Parvarti was super excited to interview with _Wet Witch Watcher_. "Oh my gosh! I've wanted to do this for, like, ever!" Well, what a coincidence? I've been wanting to do you…I mean you to do this for, like, ever too! Here's what I got before we went over her quarterly "assets" reports:

1—The way to Parvarti's ehh…_heart_ is through her nose. "I just love a man's scent. Before clothes even come off, a single whiff of my wizard's cologne gets me all wet!"

2—Boys, you have to sound the whistle before you release the snitch! "Once, I was going down on this guy. And he didn't say when he was cumming. It was all up my nose and in my hair. Sooo gross!"

3—Ever pull a switch-a-roo on a bloke with your twin sister Padma: "Oh Merlin! She's going to lose her gobstones when she reads this! Umm, yeah, once. We were both into this one guy. Neither of us was going to give him up. So we made a deal. He'd give me a nice ride, take a nap, and then she'd sub in for round 2." Did he figure it out: "If he did, he didn't let on." Atta boy!

4—First sexual experience: "I can't!" Spill it!: "Oh Jeez! I let this totally hot Durmstrang bloke finger me in an empty classroom after the Yule Ball." Fan-finger-fucking-tastic!

5—Wants to explore _wand erotica_. WTF is wand erotica: "Are you serious? And you write for _PlayWizard_? In wand erotica, you and your lover use wands to create physicalsensations. I'd love for a wizard to conjure hot, tingly, zaps around…and inside…me!" Well then miss-know-it-all, I've got a 10" cherry dragon-core you'd love to try out: (She bites her lip to hide her growing smile) "Alright then."

**Five Sexy Things You Didn't Know About**Madame Rosmerta

Back at school, Hogsmeade weekends were my favorite. I'd hit up The Three Broomsticks, not for butterbeers or swiped firewhiskey, but for Madame Rosmerta. I'd park my ever horny adolescent arse in a booth and watch her walk through the joint with her dirty blond curls, mountainous jugs, and curvaceous hips all bouncing to the same beat. Sometimes she wouldn't be the only one tending bar—a time or two, I'd pour out a frothy brew straight from my 8 inch "tap." When Rosmerta, who is still just as hot, suggested doing _Wet Witch Watcher_, I felt all my boyhood fantasies coming true. Here's what I jotted down before I offered her a fourth broomstick:

1—Open wide and say "Ahh", gentlemen! Rosmerta loves a good milking. "I have had the most intense orgasms from a man taking my nipples into his mouth. They are so deliciously sensitive."

2— Ever have drunken sex: "I don't drink actually. And believe you me, I am the best lay in town. You'd want to remember the best sex you'll ever have right? So no, I don't do boozy hook-ups."

3_—_It's not the size of the cauldron for Rosmerta, it's the motion in the potion. "I do think there is a such thing as too big. Besides, I'm more of a girth kind of witch. Love a nice, fat one!"

4—Any favorite sex stories: "I was once involved with Ali Bashir, the flying carpet merchant. He was an awful boyfriend, but incredibly talented in tantric massage. I'm no animagus but when he'd stroke my g-spot, I would turn into a Bronco, bucking and neighing all over the place!" Whoa Nelly!

5—Apparently Hogwarts isn't the only one with a _Chamber of Secrets_! "In the cellar, I have a little "playroom" set up. It's got a nice big bed, tons of candles and fun toys. If a wizard is hot and shows great imagination, I'd invite him over." One, look at me. Two, I've got imagination in spades: "Is that right? Come on down, let's see what you've got then!"

**Note: **_The concept of "wand erotica" was born of FF author __**LusciousNesha**__ in her story __**"Who's Girl."**__ I thought it brilliant, and had to include it in one of my installments. I am hoping my sincere admiration for the kink will excuse my lifting of her definition. If you have a spare moment, I encourage you to read "Who's Girl," I find it rather entertaining. And tell her I sent you! Ha_

**Note:** _SUPER EXCITED! Got 5 tickets to see HP7 in IMAX! Skiving off work and going with a few mates. Any of you guys heading out for the premiere?_


End file.
